01.25.2009 The Neighborhood Party

I am so down.
I am so depressed right now.
I got that knot in my throat and i feel like i am going to cry.
I's so angry.
I want him out of here.
I WANT HIM OUT OF HERE!

Here's a guy who know's i'm not happy with him being here but still he stays here.
Well, who wouldn't
No Rent
No Utilities
No one to bug you to clean your room/bathroom.
Life is good for him.

He has no job
He hasn't had a job since November.

I just weish he'd have moved in with J.
He needs to move out of here and move in with J.

The friendship has been destroyed.
There really is no friendship anymore.
So really no reason for him to live here anymore.

I need to have the talk with him and ask him to leave.

The One Year Anniversary is in a couple of weeks so i think if things go along this path, i'm going to have a reason to talk with him about moving out. It's also the same week that we get furloughed so i'm on pretty good grounds to ask him to move out or move in with j.

This isn't going to end pretty.
Most likely, he's going to hate me but guess what, i know he already does and he's just using me now.

I am such a sap.

12.26.2008 Xmas Hangover

That has got to be the worst xmas ever.
It was bad.
Oh pissed me off a lot.
His plan to spend xmas with his bipolar buddy ruined my xmas. He had a plan and he got his way and he didn't even care how i felt. I almost didn't go to the xmas dinner but decided to do my best to ruin Oh's day.
I didn't even speak to oh on the hour drive, it was all part of the plan.
I was going to give him the impression i was going to be really debbie downer at the dinner but i knew that the moment i walked in the door, i was going to flip the switch and become very socialable. I know the minute i got out of the car, Oh told Jon that if i ruined his day, he was going to let me get home on my own. Which would have been cool since i would have kicked him out of the house that night. I did get a few funny mean shots at bipolar man, i'm very proud of those becasue they were very mean and it made me feel good. i think bipolar knows how i feel now and maybe i'll be able to deal with him better.
My wheels are turning over this new development.
cool.

The dinner was nice. i was able to be super socialable because i got drunker and drunker. The hour long drive home was awful, the world was spinning, car lights were buzzing by and making things spin more, i was near puking the whole way back but i wasn't going to give Oh the satisfaction of pulling over. It might have been fun to puke in the car but i didn't think that was a good idea.

Got home and luckily i wasn't very hung over this morning. glad i took the day off today. i'm not sure i want to go to the gym today, maybe a day off would be good.
tomorrow is another day.

Very white skin and huge bicep, tricep, and forearm. i'm getting hot now.

11.06.2008 It's starting to hurt a lot

He said i'd be happy.
Hell no i'm not happy, i liked that he was dating J and i had my weekends to my self.
now, he's around and i'm not sure i like that.
I want my privacy back so no. i'm not happy.
i'm also suffering a lot.
my tooth aches so bad and i know i have to go to the dentist.
If it continues to next week, then i'll have to make an appointment
but
right now, i'm popping advil like m&m's

Wifebeater with hot arms.

10.13.2008 Happy Columbus Day

Day Off today. it's a good thing. Tomorrow is a day off and that's a good thing. James wants' to go out on a date with me for a salad or coffee or something so i'm going to say that's a good idea cause from his pixs he looks kind of cute/handsome.

Oh is trying to break up with J. and i'm not sure i like that one bit. I really like that he's not here on the weekends. If he breaks up then damnit, he's going to be hanging around here a lot and i'm not going to like that.

Yeah! Latinos!

08.23.2008 Reminders

I think i've become a little too intimate with Oh's failures.
He's been avoiding me a lot lately.
He hardly even lives here much which is actually kind of cool.
He does his laundry here
He watches the DVR here
He showers here
and onces he's all done doing the dirty work,
he's off with his new crew.

Is the new crew because i've become a little too intimate with his failures.
He can't bull shit with me around because i'm a reminder of his failures.

I've been there when he left the hubby and decided he had to move back to america to make his fortune.
I've been there when he said he was going to open a gay bar in Oakland
going to open a gay bar in SF
going to open a gay bar in Walnut Creek
going to open a bar in Atlanta
going to open a prep school
I've been there when he was fired from his job
no place to go and i let him stay at my house/rent free
Repo came knocking at MY door to repossess his car
No car and had to drive him around
I'd come home and he'd be there sitting watching Oprah
I've been there and that's a lot of failures

I've been pretty intimate with his failures and that's a tough thing to know.
He seems to want to stay away from me and avoid me as much as possible.
He has a history of doing this, he has a group of friends and they get to know him pretty well and realize he's a lot of talk and very little comes from it.
He dumps them because they get a little to close and he realizes that he can't continue the "Big Talk" with them around so he creates a new group of friends with little history of him.

And then, Oh says shit about them to his new crew.

08.13.2008 The Truck Guy

I realized i was the guy with the truck.
You know the guy, he's not a great friend but he's the guy who has a truck so you keep him handy for the occasional move which requires a truck.
I'm that guy with a truck.
I'm the one who does the heavy lifting.
the other guys are the fun friends who he wants to hang out with on the weekends. The fun guys.
He doesn't like to mix the truck guy wiht the fun friends.
On the weekends, when he's out with the fun friends, i'm at home doing the heavy lifting of cleaning the toilet, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen while he's out with the fun friends, in LA, in SF and the clubs.
I'm that guy with a truck and it's sad because i actually have a truck.
The analogy is so true on so many levels.
it's deep.

08.11.2008 Another Monday.

Sad when you are having a better time at work than you are at home.
Sad when you dread going home and prefer staying at work.

Oh gives me a story about why his car was repoed. it sounds true. he asked me if we were best friends and i said yes. he said he thought of me like his brother, a brother tha he actually likes.
then....
he asked if he could borrow the truck to go to Second Sat.
I said no.
i wasn't comfortable with that so he asks for a ride to second sat.
I said ok.
I was bummed a lot having to be the driver to his fun saturday night.
i was bummed that he had a fun sunday night.
I am bummed so i decided somethings.
i'm going to stop or try to stop trying to be so agreeable.
Saturday his was pissed off at me because i didn't invite him to go on my chores like go to Costco, he told me pissed off on the phone "I guess that means i'm not doing anything today. Thanks for not inviting me. I guess i'll just stay here and do nothing"
So, i cut my plans short just so he wouldn't be mad.
To please him, i took him to lunch and then we sat for hours at the coffee shop while he waited for his fun night to start.
I cut my day short and didn't do some things and he doesn't even acknowledge or even thank me.
so today, i just kind of gave him a cold shoulder treatment.
He wanted to go out for coffee and get out of the house becuse he's here all day watching tv and i said
No. i don't want to.
He was not happy so he said will you at least give me a ride to the bus stop. I said ok.
he called his bipolar bud and they made arrangements to hang out together.

Tomorrow i think will be the same thing, i used to do shoulders on tuesday so i think i should start that up again.
I don't care if he's starving or wants to get out of the house, damnit, it's my house, why can't i just come home and veg out? don't guilt me.

Things go from bad to worse.

The R__ thing is over.
I didn't call him back in a time he wanted so, he's not returning my phone call.
I guess i'm not that upset but kind of i am really upset.
He was a cute guy but i guess it wasn't meant to be.