Saturday, August 23, 2008

08.23.2008 Reminders

I think i've become a little too intimate with Oh's failures.
He's been avoiding me a lot lately.
He hardly even lives here much which is actually kind of cool.
He does his laundry here
He watches the DVR here
He showers here
and onces he's all done doing the dirty work,
he's off with his new crew.

Is the new crew because i've become a little too intimate with his failures.
He can't bull shit with me around because i'm a reminder of his failures.

I've been there when he left the hubby and decided he had to move back to america to make his fortune.
I've been there when he said he was going to open a gay bar in Oakland
going to open a gay bar in SF
going to open a gay bar in Walnut Creek
going to open a bar in Atlanta
going to open a prep school
I've been there when he was fired from his job
no place to go and i let him stay at my house/rent free
Repo came knocking at MY door to repossess his car
No car and had to drive him around
I'd come home and he'd be there sitting watching Oprah
I've been there and that's a lot of failures

I've been pretty intimate with his failures and that's a tough thing to know.
He seems to want to stay away from me and avoid me as much as possible.
He has a history of doing this, he has a group of friends and they get to know him pretty well and realize he's a lot of talk and very little comes from it.
He dumps them because they get a little to close and he realizes that he can't continue the "Big Talk" with them around so he creates a new group of friends with little history of him.

And then, Oh says shit about them to his new crew.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

08.13.2008 The Truck Guy

I realized i was the guy with the truck.
You know the guy, he's not a great friend but he's the guy who has a truck so you keep him handy for the occasional move which requires a truck.
I'm that guy with a truck.
I'm the one who does the heavy lifting.
the other guys are the fun friends who he wants to hang out with on the weekends. The fun guys.
He doesn't like to mix the truck guy wiht the fun friends.
On the weekends, when he's out with the fun friends, i'm at home doing the heavy lifting of cleaning the toilet, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen while he's out with the fun friends, in LA, in SF and the clubs.
I'm that guy with a truck and it's sad because i actually have a truck.
The analogy is so true on so many levels.
it's deep.

Monday, August 11, 2008

08.11.2008 Another Monday.

Sad when you are having a better time at work than you are at home.
Sad when you dread going home and prefer staying at work.

Oh gives me a story about why his car was repoed. it sounds true. he asked me if we were best friends and i said yes. he said he thought of me like his brother, a brother tha he actually likes.
he asked if he could borrow the truck to go to Second Sat.
I said no.
i wasn't comfortable with that so he asks for a ride to second sat.
I said ok.
I was bummed a lot having to be the driver to his fun saturday night.
i was bummed that he had a fun sunday night.
I am bummed so i decided somethings.
i'm going to stop or try to stop trying to be so agreeable.
Saturday his was pissed off at me because i didn't invite him to go on my chores like go to Costco, he told me pissed off on the phone "I guess that means i'm not doing anything today. Thanks for not inviting me. I guess i'll just stay here and do nothing"
So, i cut my plans short just so he wouldn't be mad.
To please him, i took him to lunch and then we sat for hours at the coffee shop while he waited for his fun night to start.
I cut my day short and didn't do some things and he doesn't even acknowledge or even thank me.
so today, i just kind of gave him a cold shoulder treatment.
He wanted to go out for coffee and get out of the house becuse he's here all day watching tv and i said
No. i don't want to.
He was not happy so he said will you at least give me a ride to the bus stop. I said ok.
he called his bipolar bud and they made arrangements to hang out together.

Tomorrow i think will be the same thing, i used to do shoulders on tuesday so i think i should start that up again.
I don't care if he's starving or wants to get out of the house, damnit, it's my house, why can't i just come home and veg out? don't guilt me.

Things go from bad to worse.

The R__ thing is over.
I didn't call him back in a time he wanted so, he's not returning my phone call.
I guess i'm not that upset but kind of i am really upset.
He was a cute guy but i guess it wasn't meant to be.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

08.06.2008 Perry

Downloaded Jane Says by Janes Addiction and Pets by Porno For Pyros.
cool songs.
My Ipod is starting to look kind of retro. Freedom 90 by George Michaels. If you were here by Thompson Twins (I was 16 Candles and it's a great song from the movie), Wicked Game by Chris Isaak (he was a hot guy in the day).

Same ole with my life. I don't see any forward movement with Oh. He's kind of glued to the couch which is not a good thing.

I think i'm getting over this envy i have with Oh.
I kind of looked at my life and his life and realized, i got him beat by a mile.
I was always envious of him because he was going out to LA and SF every weekend, partying and having fun and making friends and i was home cleaning the toilets, mowing the lawn, and cleaning the kitchen. It got me down because i was envious of that. BUT everything changed with the Repo man taking his car. I realized that the most important things in life are (in no particular order though they are numbered)
1. A roof over your head.
2. Food on the table.
3. Some sort of transportation.
4. Steady job.
5. Money left over for fun.

I got all those and Oh doesn't so i'm pretty much over the envy. The important things i'm all set, he's so not near me, it's funny. Funny that i was envious of him. this inferiority complex i had toward him has now flipped to a nice smug Superiority Complex.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

08.05.2008 The Elephant

The Elephant

It's not discussed much in the house. Well, it's not discussed at all. Oh still doesn't have a car and now he's settled into staying at home, sitting on the couch and watching TV. This worries me a lot, he doesn't seem worried or down about it though he did say "i'm just keeping my head above water".
So now i'm kind of the chauffer and i drive him around. I"m not going to offer the car or the truck. That's a No NO.

It has become a little difficult lately and yet, i'm not in such a bad mood lately mainly because i don't want him to feel worse than i think he probably is feeling? but what if he's not?

And now to a more upbeat note...maybe?

is that going to be another one date date?
or is there going to be another one?
I"m not even sure he liked me at all.
I would like to call R__ this week and see if he wanted to hang out this weekend. I hate that he only has friday's and his Saturday is a like a Sunday so he has to go to bed early since he works on Sundays. So the only really time we have is on Friday or Saturday afternoon. I'm thinking about maybe either dinner on friday or brunch on saturday and something casual. He doesn't like downtown so it's going to have to be someplace other. I wish i could go to SF and spend the afternoon with him. that would be fun but this week jit's too late to plan and next weekend, i have to work overtime at work.

Ah well, R__ is really not my type at all.
He's on the short side.
He's a very white guy.
He's a republican.
He's kind of geeky in love with his guns.

The things i do like about him are he's pretty talkative.
He's a nice guy
He's intelligent.
He has a paying job that he likes and he's not poor.
He has a cute stocky body that's adorable.
He's actually an adorable man.
He's cute though i don't like cute but he's a cutie.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

8.03.2008 Knock! Knock!

Who's there?
Repo man...
Repo man Who?

Repo man took Oh's car today.
It's a Sunday and he got his car reposessed.
On one hand, i feel really bad, i almost wanted to cry, i felt so bad and confused and relieved it wasn't me and relieved because i thought they were cops and were going to arrest Oh.
On the other hand, i'm wondering how he's going to get around, I have two vehicles but i know for a fact, i'm not letting him use my car and maybe sometime, i'll be ok for him to use the truck but damnit, i'm doing a lot and more than is expected of me, I am letting him stay here for free so why should i dip in extra and have to help him out with his car problems/repossed.?

I'm not lending him money (or any more since he owes me the money for the amsterdam trip).
I'm not lending him the use of the truck or the car so he can go partying around town and out of town.

He knew about this.
He said he knew they were going to take it away on Monday but i guess they were early but he knew about this.

He's been going on trips to Amsterdam. To LA and he's a frequent traveler to the bay area. Those things cost money and he was going to Brazil and Houston too. He wanted to go to Palm Springs the next holiday. Those things cost money. Instead of diverting money to where he should, he was partying around here and there.

I'm not this way at all. If i have to pay for something, like rent or a car payment, i will do without other things. When i was in santa barbara, i ate stove top stuffing to pay for the rent. i was almost anorexic because i wasn't eating correctly and i was paying rent. This is the way i am. i do without to make sure my bills are paid. He doesn't do this. i'm amazed and really annoyed.

I'm going to have to hide the car keys now and also hid the petty cash because, in all honesty, i really don't trust him anymore.

This post is about a hour after my last post.
In that hour, things have really changed for the worse.
I feel bad that he's in the predicament he's in but he put himself in the position.
He had a very well paying job and because of mid life crisis, he decides to quit.
I can be sympathetic but my sympathy only goes so far and i'm getting to the end of that line.
that decision of his was his decision but without my vote, it's having an effect on me too which i'm not happy about.

man i feel like crying right now.

08.03.2008 It's all part of the Plan...?

So is this the plan?

To drive Oh crazy mad at me so he moves out?
Is it really a plan or is it just happening?
Lately i can find just about anything to get mad at Oh.
Everything was going along pretty smoothly because i had R__ showing interest in me. So i think i was in a good mood. But now it's back that Oh is annoying me about anything and everything.
I got mad the other day because he is going to 2nd saturday with bipolar man and he invited me to go. The reason is odd but follow along. I've wanted to go to 2nd saturday for a long while, it sounds fun but i don't go because Oh has stated many times in the past that he hates it and thinks it stupid and maybe has said he wouldn't be caught dead at 2nd saturday.
I have this policy that i will never ask anyone to do anything they don't want to do. I don't want to drag someone to sometlhing and have to feel like they are not having fun and that would ruin any of my fun so it's a rule. Do not ask anyone to do something that they don't want to do. So i would never ask Oh to go to 2nd Saturday.
Bipolar asks him to go to 2nd satudary and he's all for it. ?
so i wasn't very happy about that. we dragged it out and fought about it and decided that we both have different ideas on things and nothing was settled but at least be both got it out in the air. I don't plan on changing for Oh and i know he's not going to change for me.
He's going to 2nd saturday with a load of friends including Bipolar man and i will not go because i don't like Bipolar man. I'd have a awful time and i'm not going. So Oh is not happy wiht me.

Oh gave me a speech about how he likes to do things with me and it's not the activity but it's the company but the reality is that Europe happened. He said he would do stuff i wanted to do but in Amsterdam, I got the speech after i asked him what he wanted to do in the afternnoon . He said " I want to go back to the hotel but i can't be Robert won't do anything by himself" That really hurt my feelings and after that comment, the trip was done and i was really upset after that.

He's now pissed off at me because i'm kind of cold toward him. and just about anything i say kind of pisses him off which i think is because he wants to get in his "diggs" before i get in mine.

Is that my plan?

Sunday's Men in Cowboy hats...He's furry and pretty and has nice nips/pierces